Did You Know Summer Doesn't Officially Begin Until Mid-June?

It's really quite weird.

So, in honor of summer not quite being here but still providing the lovely hot and humid weather we all adore so much, I devised a summery topic specifically summery enough for summer purposes.

Here it is. A list. A list of...
THE TYPES OF TANS.
And the people who get them.

Type A: The Pale Ones. These poor dears...they can lather and slather on the sunscreen, but they will still get burnt. Their stark-white, sometimes freckled skin turns lobstery, and, in extreme cases, blisters and peels like old parchment. And, after they are burnt, they will not tan, no matter how much they want to. They might turn light brown. Or gray. But it will fade.

Type B: The Farmers. We call them the farmers because of their Farmer's tans. Sometimes the Pale Ones get these kind of tans, too, where they burn RIGHT around the outline of whatever they're wearing. They get terrible tanlines that refuse to go away. Sometimes, they will even tan AROUND spots they missed with sunscreen, resulting in a blotchy, uneven tan/burn that resembling a spray tan that was applied by a flying monkey with A.D.H.D and rabies.

Type C: The Lifeguards. Ever seen Baywatch? I haven't. But I believe it includes lifeguards running a lot in slow motion and they're all tan and gorgeous. Or so I've heard. Anyway, that's why we call these people the lifeguards. They spend a bunch of time outside, and they don't burn. They might burn a LITTLE, but mostly they just turn this gorgeous, lightly sunbaked color of brown that makes you wonder why they get to be Amazonians and you don't. Their tanlines BLEND into each other, so they look natural and unspoiled by silly whitespots. Only the crazy-dramatic tanlines show, like shoe tans or if they wear one-pieces all summer. These people don't lose their tans. They only fade a little, so by the time summer comes around again, they just add on layers and layers of TAN SKIN. Us mere mortals try to get this effect by wearing tank tops and strapless shirts, but nothing works. They are gods and goddesses.

Type D: True Amazonians. They stay tan all year round, or they're part of The Lifeguards and they go to Florida for Christmas break. Curse them.

Type E: Reptiles. These people either work outside or fake-bake. They are so exposed to the sun that their skin develops a leathery quality, like that of a turtle or crocodile. They look much darker than normal. This is only a good thing if you turn this color without the leathery quality, which is only possible if you are a Californian surfer boy with blond hair bleached by the sun or a Barbie doll. Both are unlikely.

Type F: The people that are so tan they're pale. I haven't witnessed this yet, but it happened in a Spongebob episode, so it MUST be possible.

Happy Sunbathing!

Please wear sunscreen. The lobster look only works for the lobsters.

Love
Love
Love
Samm

Song Quote Of Note: "Sun-kissed skin so hot, we'll melt your popsicle."
Title: California Girls.
Artist; Katy Perry.
^^^I LOVE this song. I don't know why.